Wednesday, May 20, 2015

GETTING BACK ON TRACK



Wow! Where did 2014 and almost half of 2015 go? Is it true that the older you get the faster time passes by? I resist believing that theory. Hey I’m only 43! But I feel way younger and I’m not afraid to admit it. Do I appear younger? I don’t know but it doesn’t matter. They say and I choose to believe that “age is only a number” and that “the spirit never grows old”. What about the aches and pains I didn’t feel before? Naah! They came after my children were born which was just about 6 years ago. Age is not a factor or so I think.

Well, I realize that finding the time to sit down and write about life is quite challenging. At this moment my two little darlings are screaming their lungs out playing a game that I don't understand. He shouts yee-pee, ya-yay!!! And She screams "Nnoooo!".  I have asked them at least 10 times to stop screaming but it seems as though my voice is too low. They cannot hear me. I need a break and so I guess this is an attempt to get my mind somewhere else.

So much has happened since I last wrote about my quest for a beautiful life but honestly, when you are a dedicated housewife/mother of a 6 and 4 year old/care-provider/self-employed/entrepreneur; finding the means and time to document it is quite a struggle!

For the past year and a half I have learned from my experiences to “live one-day-a-time’. It hasn’t been an easy process! But I am getting there. How did I learn to do this? Well, I think it happened when I realized I was suffering anxiety and that I had stopped enjoying life.

I became aware about what anxiety is until a relative got her diagnosis. She went to the extreme of losing weight, pulling her hair and becoming paranoiac. Her life was falling apart. She honestly thought she was mentally ill and maybe anxiety is a mental illness I don’t know for sure. When I suffer anxiety my only symptoms are manifested by a feeling I cannot breathe deeply and I scratch my arms without noticing it. It’s until the next day when I see the scabs that I realize something happened. Now I know that I have suffered anxiety since I was about 11 or 12 years old maybe even younger than that but I grew up thinking that this was normal of a worrier type of kid  and somehow I learned how to manage it or cope with it. 
Three years ago I suffered my Mother’s passing and as much as I had tried to be strong and tried to live the normal life of a “new mom in her late 30’s “ my loss was extremely overwhelming and consequently worsened my anxiety which lead me my worst depression.

When the time for my annual check-up came up my Doctor obviously noticed and told me I had to do something about it. He said “I can give you a prescription for some pills that may calm you, I can refer you to a psychiatrist or you can choose to talk about it with someone perhaps a friend or even a Priest. Anxiety is something that only you can control”. I’m the type of person that will resort to a natural route first and if there is no other way only then I will consider medication. Besides, my Doctor suggested that alternative and I am so grateful for it.

Nowadays it is so hard to coincide with a friend for coffee and I really didn’t know how to approach a Priest to talk to. So those weren’t option for me. I had to become determined to get away from that overwhelming feeling of sadness. The question was how? How do you accept what cannot be changed? How do you find strength to keep going when the person that made you strong is no longer with you?

After much pondering I decided my only hope was to strengthen my relationship with God through his Son. Although I attend Church diligently every Sunday for almost a decade I needed to reinforce my relationship with our Creator. For now I have been trying my best to pay close attention to the liturgy and participate wholeheartedly during Mass. I pray more often and I have become more interested in my faith. Occasionally I watch a catholic channel. OK, I admit it I love Mother Angelica’s perspective! Hahaha!  I think it is true what they say “where there is a will there is a way”.
I want to re-emerge and this is working for me. I am still learning to accept that what I cannot change, this doesn’t and cannot happen overnight. Yep, it’s a work in progress. It is true that God works in mysterious ways. He has a plan for me and I trust my life to him.  For now I have learned to breathe and relax.